By Any Other Name
by HappyBark
Summary: Wynne and Leliana ponder how Elissa Cousland can stand to share a tent with Alistair and his personal hygiene issues. Zevran knows the answer. Alistair/Cousland.


Sitting beside the campfire and eating a hot meal, while satisfying, wasn't exactly Zevran's idea of a good time. This was especially the case when Alistair had cooked the meal. As many useful things the Chantry seemed to have taught him (swordplay, discipline, how to look utterly stunning in heavy plate), basic cooking skills didn't seem to be one of them.

While normally he'd be more forgiving (Ferelden collectively seemed to lack a single clue about what to do with anything edible), even Wynne had barely suppressed a look of disgust as Alistair had spooned the slop into her bowl.

"Right," Alistair said, straightening up (and seemingly oblivious to his companions' scepticism). "I'm off to find Elissa. Couldn't have my fellow Warden starving, could I?"

Alistair placed the large cooking pot back on the fire and ambled off into the rapidly darkening evening - Zevran could only hope that the direction he was taking wasn't entirely aimless. This didn't leave Zevran in too disinteresting a predicament, however, as he was now sharing the fire with Leliana and the aforementioned buxom mage. This has potential for fun.

"Are you certain we should let Alistair cook?" Wynne sighed, inspecting a spoonful of soggy beans.

"My dear Wynne," Zevran said. "May I remind you that Sten already refuses to cook and that Shale seems to be rather fuzzy on the definition of food? If we add the fact that Morrigan frequently insists on providing for herself and that I have been very explicitly banned from going anywhere near most people's food, you seem very keen to make work for yourself. Do you get bored when you have nothing to cook?"

"And you don't think there's a good reason at least where you're involved?" Wynne replied. "But at least you'd poison us deliberately."

"Alistair is trying his best," Leliana said, glancing over her shoulder.

"Yes, but..." Wynne waved a hand towards the gloop in her bowl. "And besides, I'm not entirely sure if his hygiene is particularly up to standard."

Leliana sampled a spoonful of the food and wrinkled her attractive nose. "Now that you mention it, he does" she lowered her voice "smell a little."

"Leliana," Wynne said, disapproval ringing through her voice. "He stinks. You know it as well as I do."

Leliana nodded. "It's a pity really. Although it does make me wonder how Elissa can stand to share a tent with him."

"If I may interject," Zevran said, feeling a grin beginning at the corners of his mouth. "This is my area of expertise."

"You have told us," Leliana replied in a voice that was far too disparaging for Zevran's tastes. "Several times."

"And you don't want to make use of my expertise?"

"No," Wynne said firmly. "We don't want to make use of your expertise in any way."

"Pity," Zevran said, looking down at the grass. "And to think that I had an answer to your enquiry. No matter. I suppose it will do me no good to ask you what you think Alistair smells like."

"Is this yet another one of your trick questions?" Wynne answered exasperatedly.

Leliana, on the other hand, creased her forehead. "Darkspawn," she said. "And sweaty armour?"

Zevran laughed, "Well, we all smell of that."

"There are those of us who wash regularly," Wynne said.

"Washing I quite like," Zevran said. "The feel of water against your skin can be quite something, don't you think?"

"I will not be drawn into this," Wynne replied.

"It's even better if you have a lake and a bit of privacy," Zevran continued, oblivious, a true grin on his face. "But I'm getting off the point now. Presuming I actually was ever on the point."

"And what is your point exactly?" Leliana said.

"Well..." Zevran stretched his feet towards the fire and placed the offending bowl of 'food' on the ground. Then he paused a little longer, just for dramatic effect. "Have you ever noticed that our templar friend has a very similar scent to another member of our mighty band of heroes?"

"You're not suggesting that Elissa smells as bad as Alistair, are you?" Wynne said, her maternal nature obviously kicking in.

"Nothing of the sort," Zevran replied in a mock offended tone. "Although here come the happy couple now. Perhaps you will work it out before too long."

Elissa didn't seem to have any reservations about the grey muck that Alistair had passed off as dinner. In fact, she gobbled it down so quickly that Zevran only managed to begin a conversation with her once she was refilling her bowl.

"Elissa," he said. "I have a question, if I may?"

The Warden nodded, her eyes trained on the cooking pot. "Go ahead."

"I've been wondering about how differently dogs are treated here that in Antiva," he continued. "Is it true that people let dogs sleep on their beds here?"

Elissa gave to fond, sad smile that she always gave when she talked about her past. "That's true," she replied. "My mabari has slept in my room since he was a pup. Not all of them are so lucky though - a lot of dogs have to sleep in kennels. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, just curiosity," Zevran said. "And the smell - that's never bothered you?"

Elissa shot him a confused glance as she settled down to eat her second bowl of sludge. "What smell?"

"Never mind," Zevran said, shaking his head. "Forget I asked."

He winked at Wynne and Leliana. If his eyes weren't playing tricks on him, it seemed that even Wynne cracked a smile.


End file.
